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The Adventures of The Man Who Hasn't Really Listened To Many Beyoncé Songs

By Arik Cohen

He sat passenger as Shirley drove down Sunset boulevard in East Hollywood. It was their fourth date and she offered to take him out to his favorite restaurant in Los Angeles, a small burrito spot with great beans.

They were having an engaging conversation about what makes beans great when some specific horns hit from the speakers, and Shirley's hand reflexively spun up the volume dial.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry but 'Crazy in Love' is my JAM," Shirley said with renewed energy, "Best summer jam of all time. I always have to turn up the volume on it."

"Oh no worries. Sounds fun. Who is this?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"What artist?"

"Beyoncé. You don’t know this song?"

"I might have heard it before. Sorry I haven't really listened to many Beyoncé songs."

Deep down he was smiling, as on a subconscious level he had accepted that's all he is: The guy who hasn't really listened to many Beyoncé songs. Like the guy who doesn't own a TV or the guy who only wears sandals no matter how cold it is or the guy who hates Hamilton, it's a pathetic choice that makes up his self-portrayed narrative. There's also some racism in there probably.

Shirley, meanwhile, was strangely excited. She would get to expose this man to the entire discography of Beyoncé. She had previously exposed a boyfriend to every Harry Potter movie and that was its own thrill, but nothing compared to this rarity. It would be better than sex. Or at least better than sex with him, which so far had been very bad.

After their fifth date Shirley called it off. Though she claimed it was timing, the truth is that he seemed strangely proud of his inexperience with Beyoncé, and she didn’t need that sort of energy in her life.

And so the adventures of the man who hasn't really listened to many Beyoncé songs continued, without criticism.

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Illustrations by Scott Thiede